Regression

Well, as you can see I haven't written in a while. I got off track. I'm not sure what sidelines me all the time in everything I do, weight loss, marriage, friendships, etc... It always seems like there is something there to distract, stress or deter me.

I also have a confession to make. I haven't been a great wife lately. I've been pretty crappy. But, I've felt pretty crappy. My son has been sick - getting over the cold now - and it's caused some sleepless nights. No sleep make me testy! No sleep makes me angry. I don't know why it's so easy to be angry/upset/etc... I told Jordan the other day, "I don't know what has me in a bad mood, but sometimes, being happy just takes too much work." I want to be happy for our marriage, ourselves and my son, but sometimes life stresses just seem like a lot to handle.

I think that my marriage is "special". I know everyone's marriages are special! But I think mine has more "struggles" than some as well. My husband has an acquired brain injury which leads to a whole myriad of disabilities. Dating did not prepare me for this. Our first years of marriage have not been easy in the slightest. Our first years of marriage have been down-right difficult. I won't get into details, but it's definitely taken a HUGE adjustment on my part - One that I did not come to easily. I am stubborn. I kept trying to convince myself that he'd change, he'd learn, he'd grow. I was blaming it all on him because he's got the "difficulty". I'm doing it right, because "I'm normal"...right??

Well I had this ALL wrong! I was doing it wrong, I wasn't being nice, I wasn't being open, I wasn't being forgiving. I'm not sure I truly know how to yet, but I'm trying. I try and then I get side-tracked by crappy days and I feel like I'm starting all at square 1. It's tough. Sometimes I just wish it were easy...but then...what's easy?

So sometimes I feel like I'm just doing this wrong. There's no manual for marriage, and especially for marriage with someone who has a Brain Injury. But, I have recently discovered someone in my church - her husband has an Acquired Brain Injury as well. They are in the same programs as we are. We had a very short, brief chat at church today that was TOTALLY uplifting! It was just a short chat, but in that short time I learned...I'm not ALONE!!! She was saying things that I was feeling/dealing with. Oh, that was a relief!! Not to say this will solve everything, but it is so nice to have someone understand what it's like to be in a "struggling" marriage. It'll be nice to hear how they survived/dealt with/understood their own difficulties.

I love talking with friends, I will listen to friends advice, but sometimes friends just don't understand my full situation. They can give advice, but it's not always applicable. They don't have the manual for my marriage. So this is a "relief" to hear from someone in my situation. Oh is it a relief! I also hope that I can be of a help to her, show her she is not alone, that she has someone else who understands.

I know God has brought me to where I am for a reason. I know God has put people in my life for a reason. I pray that I am able to recognize that help, when I need to be of a help and let it change me for the better.

So anyways, that's my rant...I am going to read the next dare tomorrow and will attempt to get back on track. Just don't judge me when I go off track and take a little "vacation." I'll be back....I know I will :)

Day 7

For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank you spouse for having this characteristic.

Scripture: Philippians 4:8

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I did the lists on another sheet. I'm not going to share them. I don't think that's appropriate here to list them. I could list his positive attributes, but definitely won't share the negative. That's not fair or very wife like. So Day 7 is complete...lists complete, waiting for instructions about what to do with them...

Day 6

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Scripture: Acts 24:16

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Well this post is a few days in the making. I've been dealing with a lot of other things going on with regards to our marriage, still working on it, but needing to be mentally clear on a few things first, so this kinda got pushed to the side for a moment...but I am still committed so I'm still going to do it!

So, this day...tough! I don't know if I fully understand the question. I understand the first statement about reacting lovingly instead of with irritation -- tough today --, but I'm not sure what is meant by "areas where you need to add margin to your schedule."

I may have to skip today and come back to it after further study and maybe clarifying with a few other people about its meaning.

But I will chose to react lovingly instead of with irritation. This is hard for me as I am a quick to anger person. I often over react, mostly out of pent up emotions. But I am trying to make a better effort about my reactions and giving Jordan the benefit of the doubt and trying to explain clearly before I get upset. It's very hard to change an emotion that you've been using freely for most of your life. But I know that my marriage, friendships, etc...will benefit from my becoming slow to anger. After all, it is biblical to be slow to anger... "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." Psalm 103:7-9

Be Better, Not Bitter

This is a chord that is really striking me right now...how to be better, not bitter. As I wrote about previously, we've just discussed with the Peasant Princess group about forgiveness and letting going of a bitter attitude. I am human, I am a sinner, this is hard! It's hard to just let go of something and forgive. I honestly don't know if I know how to fully...

As I was perusing Pinterest today I came across another blog that I thought was interesting. I totally believe God sent me here to help with my battle right now...Growing in Jesus through his Word . She wrote about being Better, not Bitter. It is an interesting thought and one that I am going to pursue, think about and pray about.

I also saw this quote, and I truly believe it's worth remembering every day!

"Have you prayed about it, as much as you've talked about it?"

Day 5.5

Well I didn't post yesterday. I haven't started Day 6 yet...but I have a good reason!!!

Wednesday nights is our "Peasant Princess" nights. It's a sermon series from Mark Driscoll based on the Song of Solomon about marriage, relationships and sex. We have been enjoying doing this series again for a second time...I think we're more open and aware of it this time round.

So anyways, last nights episode was regarding forgiveness and reconciliation. Listening last night I had an epiphany. I'm not good at forgiving, I'm not good at forgetting and I'm not good at moving on. I'm a sinner. I am not treating my spouse the way God treats us. I am sinning, everyday...and I don't know how to stop this. All my life I have never been good at "fighting", not physically, but I guess "emotional fighting". I take great offence, I get emotional, I take this personally BIG time! I also let past events cause me pain, grief, anxiety, etc...

So in our marriage, I came to the realization that we've never "completed" a fight. We've never had forgiveness and reconciliation. Our fights just keep piling up into one big fight and we're always emotionally making the other person pay for our past. This is not right. This is terrible. But my question is...how do I forgive and forget? Honestly, I don't know. I wish there was a clear cut answer, follow this 3 step process and you'll learn to forgive!

I am seeking counsel from another married couple that has been married for 20 years and I feel have a great marriage and advice.

So anyways, this was why I didn't post/finish Day 6. I am still doing the Love Dare, it's always in my thoughts. But yesterday, this took precedence. Talking about this to my husband took priority and I think that's okay!!!

So here's hoping tomorrow I can start back up and keep going the Love Dare.

Day 5

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behaviour. This is from their perspective only.

Scripture: Ecclesiastes 10:12

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Well Day 5 was a lot tougher...for one it took me two days to "complete". Jordan and I did not have any alone time to talk personally, and I felt it wasn't something that needed to be asked in front of others. We had some alone time today and I asked him of some things that irritate him. Jordan didn't have an answer for me. NOW, that DOES NOT mean I do nothing to irritate him, I know I do, but Jordan has problems with memory. He may not honestly remember anything that irritates him. We did talk about telling me in the moment so that I can work on/try fixing things that may irritate him. We had a good extended conversation today and it was quite nice.

Jordan did ask where this question came from and why I was asking it now....I deferred him and told him it was just something I was thinking about. I really don't want him to know about this because I feel he would try to complete it for me, only get a few days and then forget he is and it would disappoint me, or let me down. I'd rather just do this for us and not expect anything in return with regards to the Love Dare.

Well anyways, back to the Dare and onto Day 6!! It's a toughie! :)

Day 4

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

Scripture: Philippians 1:3

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Well this was a hard one today...for a few reasons :) One, my husband is currently unemployed...therefore home all day anyways with me...Two, we were in a car together for 10 hours today driving home so I knew how he was doing 'cause I could see him in my rear view mirror the whole way ha ha ha :)

But I did ask how he was doing, and he was fine :) That's a typical response we tend to give each other without thinking. It's going to take some work for both of us to delve deeper in questions and keep asking...but that may be another Dare Day!!

Day 3

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking about you today."

Scripture: James 3:16

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Well I completed this task before the scheduled day. We were at Wal-Mart and I noticed that Jordan had been looking at watches. I usually buy myself something while I'm out and tend to neglect Jordan because he's not with me. So I decided that, well his old watch was broken, wouldn't it be nice to get him a watch. He's very happy with it, I can tell because he keeps looking at it, adjusting it and put it on first thing this AM.

Today brought another completion of this task....sort of :) Today was community day at the cineplex theatres here and they were offering free movies and cheap snacks. Only catch, it was for 9:20am this morning! That meant getting up early, getting ready fast and going down. But we did it! It was a great family outing, it felt good to get out with Zach to take him to the movies and enjoy our time together and invest in ourselves.

I am definitely putting more effort into spending time on us as a family and including Jordan more for us time.

Day 2

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Scripture: Proverbs 19:22

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Well Day two is here and almost done. I've been really enjoying this so far. I'm finding myself happier, not letting "little things" get to me as much and really paying attention to my attitude. I know I'm a tough cookie to live with and I can be very critical. This dare is definitely making me reevaluate myself and take a better look at my attitude.

So today I was dared to do one unexpected act of kindness....that's a tough one...I know it sounds TERRIBLE, but my acts today were making more eye contact with my husband, being more snugly, initiating more kisses. I know most of you, if anyone reads this :), would think, "but don't you do that anyway".... well unfortunately no, I don't. I'm not a very touchy-feeling person and NEED my personal space and time alone. So purposefully making the commitment to touch, kiss and cuddle is hard for me. But I am committed to this journey and WILL step out of my comfort zone to improve my marriage.

Day 1

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

Scripture: James 1:19

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This is sad to say, but this task is difficult for me. I'm a very critical person, particularly of myself and of Jordan too. I'm not proud of it and I'm not quite sure why I am. It could be because I want him to do things such as I would do and when he doesn't it frustrates me. But it shouldn't! He's another person, he's not me, he doesn't have the same thought process. I did slip up once, but then caught myself, rethought and stopped what I was saying. The day is not over yet, but I am very aware of what I am saying today and trying to make my words more loving, playful and positive.

Love Dare

I have decided to complete the Love Dare with my husband. He doesn't know I am partaking in this, neither does he need to know....only feel the rewards.

My husband, Jordan, and I have been married now for 2 years. We have a seven month old son, Zachary and have been through a WHOLE pile of stuff during our short marriage.

I am not proclaiming to know anything about marriage, but I am always trying to improve. I need to improve. Our marriage needs to improve. We have had many problems, some can be fixed, some can't. I am learning to deal with both issues.

I have decided that the best way to do so is to start with attempting to complete the Love Dare.

So here you will find my daily blog about the tasks, my feels towards them, etc... So enjoy!

*****I'd like to EMPHASIZE that the italic paragraphs at the beginning of each post are from the 40 Day Challenge App from the iPhone for the Love Dare. Go to http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/ for more information.